A fearful conversation with myself at night

Tomorrow it will be one week since I felt so awful. But you know what’s worse than having an aching body or coughing so much that your chest feels it’s on fire. It’s being a parent side by side your partner who has the virus too. Then hearing that outside, the hospitals are literally having to choose whose monitor they are going to turn off, because they don’t have enough beds. While you’re literally trapped, in your own house, with your covid husband…and two young children just keeping it together. The world is strangely and almost comically moving around you.The people in the northern hemisphere are on tropical holidays, sipping cocktails, because they have all been vaccinated. Here, cars still go by on the motorway in the distance, this city is still operating, but so many people are dying. I can’t help but think, fuck, have we gauged this all wrong?! It’s so surreal. Should we be taking more medicine, beside all these vitamins that we are already taking? Should we have consulted the doctor that we have Corona? Should we be doing something else, other than what we are already doing ? What if the virus comes to get us while we are sleeping? What about our children? Because this is where I realise the source of all the fear is! The children. What if something happens to my husband tonight, what If he stops breathing? what will I do? The hospitals are all full! I could never just take him and leave him without being by his side even if there was a bed? What if we both have to go to hospital and they put us to sleep, and then have to choose whose monitor to turn off, between my husband or me?

He seems ok. I seem ok. We sound awful, we both feel awful, but we seem ok. Right? Why are other people dying out there, while we’re in here. Are we next? The psychological fear that this virus has instilled in me, in so many others out there is not just a fear. It’s an actual calculated fear. A healthy fear? People are dying, and because I have COVID and my husband has COVID, we are also a potential statistic too. What’s healthy for me to realise is that I’m feeling so vulnerable because I have small children and they are dependant on me, on both of us. My need to stay alive is real. The necessity to protect my children is my priority, and so I look at my midnight thoughts from a distance and feel safe in the knowledge that I am having healthy fearful thoughts. I think it’s fair to say, I pray to God it’s not me, and I pray to god it’s not my husband out there in the hospital wards. I am grateful we are lying here together at home in bed. I pray, and I thank God that we are ok, and now I will sleep.

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